Apprehensive about Flying Home

So I’m flying home on Monday to visit the family for Thanksgiving and I’m a little apprehensive. Why you ask? Well, my sister is convinced there is something paranormal going on in the house. Besides seeing things, she’s hearing them as well and so is my Dad. She’ll be asleep in her room and my Dad will wake up because he hears noises coming from downstairs and the same noises coming from her room…..and she’s sleep! He also keeps seeing things out of the corner of his eye. I swear, if I wake up and see something I will lose it.  I wanted to set up a recorder to see if I caught any voices (EVP) but if I did it would freak me out. I have a feeling this trip will be very interesting….

Meds and Side Effects

So I’ve been taking my new antidepressant for over two weeks now and was scared to up my dose. I was told to take half a pill, 25 mg, and then in a week up it to at full pill which is 50 mg. I was doing fine on half of one and I was able to get through my day without feeling down. Now when I first took it, my feelings were very flat.  A bus could have hit someone in front of me and I could have won the lottery and I would have acted the same – indifferent. That was a scary feeling. Not to mention, the first day after I took it, I almost soiled myself at work. Effed up. I have a fear of using the bathroom at work and it was like a scene out of American Pie when they pranked the guy and he had to force himself to use the bathroom at work and basically annihilate the bathroom. It wasn’t pretty and I will no longer laugh at those that have close calls.

Once I got past the couple days of nausea and no appetite, I felt good. I wasn’t sleeping as much and I was able to focus at work. Of course things never stay good for me…. On Friday, I decide to finally up my dose and boy was that a mistake! A couple of hours after,  I felt flush and hyper like I had way too much caffeine. Then the twitching came. My left shoulder, thigh, and foot kept twitching uncontrollably. Both of my sides did it too. It was crazy so I stopped the meds and haven’t taken them since Friday. The twitching was still bad on Saturday so I tried to sleep the day away hoping the the twitches would slow down but they didn’t. On Sunday they were a little better and today they are pretty much gone but my sides still twitch.

I’m now rethinking the whole meds thing. Is it really worth it? Do I really need to take something that causes symptoms like this? I go see the doc tomorrow so I’m sure he’s going to try to prescribe me something else. *sigh* Will I take it? I don’t know yet….

Update – Shady Law Firm

Just an update on my shady law firm: The admin person they had working there kept giving me the runaround so I used my prepaid legal plan and contacted my appointed law firm and they wrote a letter demanding them to look into my money situation. Low and behold a week later after legal sent them a letter, the law firm looked into the situation and cut me my check. I guess the word fraud hit a nerve with them because the lawyer called his office while on vacation and told them to look into the problem. If they had just done this when I had asked earlier all of this could have been prevented. For $17 a month prepaid legal is great!

Psychiatrist Visit

I had someone contact me asking how my visit went and it was interesting to say the least. I was not expecting the visit to go well at all. Not to mention, my doctor had a cold and was sniffing and blowing his nose the whole time. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. It was a little awkward because he was really attractive so I didn’t want to keep looking at him. The whole office has female doctors and he’s the only male there. My counselor suggested I go see him and it just lucked out that that’s who I got.

He asked me the usual stuff like why are you here and were you referred. I of course told him how I was there on my own accord and then went into my spill of being depressed for around 15 years. He then asked if I drank or did drugs and I told him no. He asked if I had kids and I told him no again. He was like, “Good, good.” Too funny. The doc asked what I did for a living and other boring stuff to get a picture of who I am. I even told him about my sister’s ailments as well since some things are genetic. I told him how my moods are pretty much low all the time. I have good days where I want to go out and do things but not very often and I’m always tired even though I sleep a lot. My work has suffered because I can’t concentrate on anything. I also explained how I sleep my days away and how I don’t have the motivation to do anything. I’m basically emotionally numb in a way.

He then diagnosed me as dysthymic. I had never heard of it and he said it is chronic depression. I looked it up and I’ve experienced a lot of the symptoms for over two years so I guess that’s why he gave me the diagnosis. He then began to ask me questions which told me he was trying to see if I was bipolar. He asked had I done things on impulse or done things I regretted. I had to tell him yeah because I buy things to make myself feel better. I also mentioned how I have slept with people I now regret but to me that shouldn’t be indicative of anything because a lot of people do that. His eyes shot up at my comments and he commenced writing. *laughing* Oh well. I also told him how I do have moments of clarity where I don’t sleep a lot and my mind is so clear. This is where I do my best writing and am the most creative. I hope that is not hypomania. Hmm….

He wanted to put me on Lexapro because I told him how I have now developed anxiety when it comes to heights. He said this would help with the depression and anxiety. He had offered Wellbutrin before but I didn’t want that one because he said it wasn’t safe to take during pregnancy. My husband and I had planned to have kids but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I would rather be safe than sorry. The doc then prescribed me Zoloft at 50mg. I am to take half a pill each day for the first week and then take them normally after that. I see him again in three weeks.

I read that if someone is bipolar that just taking an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer causes a hypomanic episode so I’m hoping I don’t have that but I guess I will know in due time. It really sucks. I’m healthy otherwise and I hate taking medicine. I’m actually angry at the fact that I might need drugs just to have a normal life. The issue for me is that I’ve been down for so long that I won’t be able to distinguish the difference between a normal mood or hypomania. It’s going to be an interesting ride. I’ve found a wealth of knowledge on depressionforums.org. If anyone has used the drug Zoloft and has some input please let me know. Thanks.

How to Tell your Life is Completely Screwed

When you decide to go for counseling to help sort out your life and the counselor hits on you. WTF? Yep, another ding. I’m deciding to be proactive and get some counseling because I seem to be falling into a downward spiral. After a month wait, I finally get in to see the counselor and he proceeds to tell me how attractive I am. Talks about my height and how his daughter is tall like me and then goes into a 10 minute spill about his life. I mean, what the hell? What am I paying you for? He’s a nice guy but a nutcase himself so I don’t see how he is qualified to counsel anyone. I stopped going after 3 sessions because it was a complete waste of time. If I want compliments and accolades, I walk on the runway or post pictures on social networks so people can comment on them. I need help, not compliments. I’m now a lot more bitter…..

I have since decided to start looking for a psychiatrist. This has been hard for me to do since I don’t really feel the need to get help for something that I don’t have but that might just be the denial talking. I have been suffering from depression since I was around 14 or 15 so I guess around 15 years or so. I just assumed it was normal. I have good days, but few and far between. It has affected every aspect of my life. I have friends but I don’t really go around anyone anymore and basically seclude myself in the house. I have alienated myself from my husband and family and I feel bad for doing so. I’m constantly angry at my life because it is in shambles and it is of my own doing. Staying positive in the midst of a storm is hard….really hard. It’s now to the point where I feel I need help. When one is sleeping the bulk of their day away then there is a problem. Anxiety is high now too. I have a fear of heights and don’t want to get in planes now. I don’t know…. maybe it will all pass. I have a sibling with issues as well. I never wanted to get help because I felt meds would hinder my creativity. I draw and write stories/poems and I don’t want to interfere with that. I don’t take any medicine right now and I like that feeling. I never wanted to be the one dependant on meds to stabilize my moods. Not to mention, the sheer stigma mental illness has is a negative point for me. No one wants to admit that they have a problem because it’s embarrassing.

As for finding a provider, I don’t understand why when someone has to look up a provider from a list when the list itself is outdated! I have to search for a provider and pretty much everyone on the list wasn’t in the phone book anymore. This is infuriating. Not to mention, once you find a provider, it takes forever to get seen because everyone else is trying to book them too. I hate waiting lists. A waiting list for a psychiatrist is basically a hurry up and die list. It sucks and it makes one not want to get help because of all the hurdles you have to go through just to get an appointment. I have since found one and go next week so this should be interesting….