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How to Tell your Life is Completely Screwed

Screwed

When you decide to go for counseling to help sort out your life and the counselor hits on you. WTF? Yep, another ding. I’m deciding to be proactive and get some counseling because I seem to be falling into a downward spiral. After a month wait, I finally get in to see the counselor and he proceeds to tell me how attractive I am. Talks about my height and how his daughter is tall like me and then goes into a 10 minute spill about his life. I mean, what the hell? What am I paying you for? He’s a nice guy but a nutcase himself so I don’t see how he is qualified to counsel anyone. I stopped going after 3 sessions because it was a complete waste of time. If I want compliments and accolades, I walk on the runway or post pictures on social networks so people can comment on them. I need help, not compliments. I’m now a lot more bitter…..

I have since decided to start looking for a psychiatrist. This has been hard for me to do since I don’t really feel the need to get help for something that I don’t have but that might just be the denial talking. I have been suffering from depression since I was around 14 or 15 so I guess around 15 years or so. I just assumed it was normal. I have good days, but few and far between. It has affected every aspect of my life. I have friends but I don’t really go around anyone anymore and basically seclude myself in the house. I have alienated myself from my husband and family and I feel bad for doing so. I’m constantly angry at my life because it is in shambles and it is of my own doing. Staying positive in the midst of a storm is hard….really hard. It’s now to the point where I feel I need help. When one is sleeping the bulk of their day away then there is a problem. Anxiety is high now too. I have a fear of heights and don’t want to get in planes now. I don’t know…. maybe it will all pass. I have a sibling with issues as well. I never wanted to get help because I felt meds would hinder my creativity. I draw and write stories/poems and I don’t want to interfere with that. I don’t take any medicine right now and I like that feeling. I never wanted to be the one dependant on meds to stabilize my moods. Not to mention, the sheer stigma mental illness has is a negative point for me. No one wants to admit that they have a problem because it’s embarrassing.

As for finding a provider, I don’t understand why when someone has to look up a provider from a list when the list itself is outdated! I have to search for a provider and pretty much everyone on the list wasn’t in the phone book anymore. This is infuriating. Not to mention, once you find a provider, it takes forever to get seen because everyone else is trying to book them too. I hate waiting lists. A waiting list for a psychiatrist is basically a hurry up and die list. It sucks and it makes one not want to get help because of all the hurdles you have to go through just to get an appointment. I have since found one and go next week so this should be interesting….

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